Going through the motions..

Almost one month down.. One month farther away from the last time I saw the love of my life.. One month closer to his return.. 

Today has been a day.. A busy busy day.. Somehow all day, all i could think about is how miserable I am.. I Hate being alone.. I hate knowing I am coming home to an empty house.. I hate having no one to cook for.. I hate being the only caretaker of the dogs.. I have having to rely on myself to do everything.. I hate that I can't just be a wife.. I have to be both.. I have to be the man of the house and fix anything that breaks.. take out the trash.. shovel the driveway.. take the cars in.. clean the whole house.. 

I am having a day of self pity.. all I want to do is roll up in a ball and cry.. cry.. cry.. I want to cry til its all better, and this deployment is over.. but that wont do anything but make me feel more miserable.. Each night i go to sleep.. alone.. and just lay there thinking.. "another day down".. Forcing myself to get up in the morning.. All I do is go through the motions of life everyday. 

I no longer smile just because I'm happy.. I don't want to do anything, because that means I have to go alone.. I have to force myself to smile.. Fact is, I am not happy. On the inside I am raging mad I have to go through this again, I am so broken because the love of my life is thousands of miles away and I can't do anything about it. Crying won't make him come home.. feeling sorry for myself won't make him come home. He can't do anything with how I feel.. I don't get to hear him say I am beautiful everyday.. I don't have him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I have no one to cuddle with when I need it. I have no one to hug me like the way he does. I have no one to goof off with and be silly around. I have no one to go out to eat with. 

It seems no one understand what I am going through.. The husband and I's birthdays are coming up.. and yet another year he will be gone for those.. I have to be without him for thanksgiving, Christmas and even our anniversary. I just can't seen to catch a break. I just want him home, I don't care about anything else. I NEED him.. He is my everything. I am so heart broken. 

You get so used to talking to your husband everyday.. day in and day out.. suddenly its taken away from you , and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't fight it, you just have to accept it and move on. Knowing that each day you survive is one day closer to seeing his face again.. knowing you made it one more day.. One day at a time.. one day at a time will be a month at a time.. til i see him again.. 

I miss the silly things like holding hands, getting a text, looking at him across the room, the goodbye kiss in the morning, the randomness and his handsome face! So many things I miss.. I just love him with all my heart and it seems no one understands. I just want to sleep all day and drown my sorrows in tears and sleep.. 

Going through the motions til I see his face and feel his embrace!

The Countdown Has Begun..

Well the time has come and gone.. The dreaded countdown before he leaves is no more.. Now we begin the countdown of his return.. Deployments.. What could we say about deployments.. They are hard. People do not understand the emotional stress we go through..

Looking my husband in the eyes, as we both are tearing up.. Knowing that is the last time in several months I will be looking into those gorgeous blue eyes, that just touch my soul. He makes me whole. Knowing that half of my heart is getting ripped from me, and I can't fight to keep him. Knowing this is the last kiss... the last hug.. So we keep hugging.. Getting in every. last. kiss. Watching him walk away from me, and knowing I can't run after him, I can't grab him and say "no, stay with me, please don't go" I can't be selfish. I watch him walk away out of sight and my heart just breaks.. Just holding on to the last kiss and the last hug.. Just knowing he is going to be thousands of miles away from me, breaks me heart everyday.. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about him, not a second.

 He is my everything, he completes me on so many levels that most people would never understand. I am happy to say I have found this love, this love that most people never get to experience. I have a love that keeps me going everyday, a love that strengthens me and encourages me, that loves me. He push each other toward God, we keep each other accountable. We live everyday with each other like he is about to deploy. We respect and honor one another. We let the little things slide, because there are more things that are important in life. I love my husband more than anyone will know. Not only is he the most handsome man in the world. (Boy do I mean HANDSOME!) He is an AMAZING husband and just so wonderful inside and out. He really shows me every day, day in and day out how much he loves me. I love his knowledge of the word. I love being able to come to him for anything! I just love him. FACT :)

So today marks another day without my love, another day that I am alone, another day I sleep alone, another day I eat alone, another day.. another day.. another day I am without him, my everything.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a wife who can't function with out my husband. I will function, because I don't have a choice, I need to stay busy and keep my mind on other things. I hate when people say, "I don't know how you do it, I sure know I would never be able to" You know.. I don't have a choice to "do it" I do it because I have no other option. I love my man so VERY much, that I would rather wait for a lifetime, just to spend a moment in his arms. Oh how I miss being in his arms.. The safest I feel is his arms wrapped around me.. the warmth of his body, and feeling his heartbeat. :)

I am looking forward to the homecoming where I get to look into his eyes again, and embrace him with hug and kiss! Knowing everything I just went through, these months alone, was all worth it. One second in his arms, makes the journey worth fighting for. He is worth fighting for! :)

Until next time! :) Thanks for letting me ramble!

The Time Has Come Again..

Here we go again, another deployment, another 7 months on my own. I never thought when I was a young girl growing up, that I would be married to a man in uniform and living alone almost half our marriage.

 I am thankful for a man who is committed to serve this country and all the sacrifices he makes for us. He always provides for us. We never go hungry or have any lack. He seeks God's face first. I am truly blessed to have a husband that never complains when I ask him to do anything. We both know our time is short between deployments, we make the best out of it. 

I hear so many woman complaining about their husbands NON STOP! Like really? You should be happy he is home 24/7. You should be happy he works to provide for you. You should be happy your only time spent apart is when he is at work. Lets see your husband leave for 7-18 months and see if you will still be complaining. I bet they will learn to appreciate their husbands more. I never take any moment I have with him for granted. Our time is precious. We embrace every moment we have with each other. My husband is my best friend and true love. 

The weeks are coming to fast.. I will never know the day he is leaving, until that day comes. We find out in very short notice. You think he will be here this weekend, but nope, you wake up that morning and find out he leaves tomorrow. The uncertainty of the military kills my OCD! I have learned to enjoy EVERY second I have. Last deployment  (our first) I dwelled on him leaved EVERY moment I could, I was an emotional wreck. This deployment I have my moments, but they are far and few between. I need to be strong for my husband. He needs to know that his wife will be okay when he is gone. We have to be strong rocks for our husbands. We can't worry them about the little things in life. He needs to know I am safe and healthy. That is all. 

Since I am ranting.. It bothers me when people complain about their husbands going on a business trip for a week, and they try to relate to me how hard a week is! Umm.. no, try MONTHS at a time and let me know if a week feels the same, until then...SHUT IT! lol. I know I sound harsh, but it seems only military spouses understand each other. Imagine sleeping alone for months on end, sleepless nights, wondering if they are okay and just having that void in your life. It is not fun. I survive. I trust in the Lord with all I can. I know He is the keeper. He is our everything. Without God we couldn't do this. I am thankful to have a Savior that takes time to love on each and every one of us. I know no one probably reads this blog, but it doesn't matter. I just need an outlet for all the craziness that is about to take over my life.

 Hopefully at the end of these 7 months I will be a new me. I want to reflect Christ in all my actions. I want to fear God first and foremost. I want my first reaction to be the way God wants me to act! God is a good God. We owe it to Him to build a relationship with Him.

The World Around Me Seems So Small..

Ever feel like your as small as small gets?
Insignificant beyond words? Sometimes life throws curve balls at us, we just have to pick right back up and keep on truckin'.

I feel so accomplished..

Even though my husband is currently deployed.. My roommate is a slob.. Whom doesn't pay any rent or utilities.. that  being said.. I baked homemade gluten free bread! I cleaned the ENTIRE kitchen.. Cleaned the Dining room and family room! I cleaned my bedroom, bathroom, and closet! It was a solid 6 hours of cleaning! It helps me destress when I am in a clean house.. It also helps when my roommate is hardly here! How does a roommate who is hardly here make such a mess? who knows.. I'm ready for my husband to come home! He is the perfect roommate! :) Just a small post for today! I'm excited to have toast in the morning with my homemade bread!! :)